Working with Battered Women and their Teenage Boys in Shelter
The Impact of Violence On Children
UNDERSTANDING CHILDREN OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
by: Karen McGuckin - Providence House/Willingboro Shelter
Domestic violence effects witnessing children in many profound ways. Since January of this year, I’ve had the experience of working with and talking with these children. As a facilitator for the children’s support groups, I have recognized the problems faced by children from violent homes and the need for these support groups. It is of major concern that the feelings of these children are brought forth and understood so that we may communicate with them as a positive role model. Once we understand these children’s feelings, we can then understand their behaviors, which can be easily misinterpreted. For example, an eight year old shelter resident had begun to hit other children during play, cry very easily and disobey adults. (This was not normal behavior for him). His mother became angry with him and frequently punished him. The mother was encouraged to speak privately with her son in a positive manner to try to understand his feelings. After speaking with her son, she found that he was feeling very frightened. He was nearing his exit from the shelter to return to his home where abuse had occurred. He was feeling bad so he behaved badly.
During the group meetings, the children (ages 7-12 and 13-18) express theft current and future concerns, fears and intense feelings. There are several important concerns expressed by the group members, the most common being the welfare of their parents. Children worry that their mothers will get seriously hurt or that their fathers will go to jail. These thoughts weigh most heavily on a child’s mind during school hours when the child is not home. The child fears not being able to intervene while his parents may be fighting. The children understand the importance of education but this constant anxiety does not allow them to pay attention to their studies, therefore, they may receive unsatisfactory grades and are labeled “lazy” when school work is not complete. The children who live with domestic violence may also have a difficult time relating to their school peers. They may not have the appropriate role models at home who could teach them how to socialize, play games or make friends. Also, it is not uncommon that the children feel guilty for having fun. A 13 year old female group member shared with me that she was invited to a sleep-over party. She thought it might be fun, however, she decided not to go. She stated, “Why should I have fun when my Mom is so miserable? I don’t want to leave her alone. I’ll stay home and play cards with her or something.”
Children from violent homes tend to hold themselves accountable fortheabuse. A frequentlyheardquoteis,”IfI had beengood, Daddy wouldn’thave gotten angiyandhitMommy.”
Children also experience guilt about the good feelings they may have about the abuser. They are able to differentiate between good and bad qualities in aperson, but not between the good and bad feelings they have about a person. Having two emotions at once is difficult. When asked how they feel about the abuser, a common response is, “I don’t know.” The children are confused. Some children only have negative feelings about the abuser, but fear expressing this feeling. A child’s feelings of hatred toward the abuser may be kept to herself so that there is no chance of the abuser finding out. The child may fear the abuser becoming angry and causing harm. Many children who have witnessed domestic abuse fear physical harm to themselves. They worry that the abuser will become angry at them and retaliate. A major study (National Women Abuse Prevention Project) of more than 9(X) children at battered women’s shelters found that nearly 70% of the children were themselves victims of physical abuse. The same study found that the male batterer most often abused the children and in about one fourth of the cases both parents abused the children.
Children who are separated from the abuser may be in the process of grieving. They grieve the loss of theft life-style or the positive image of the abuser they had before the violence began. Meanwhile, children who have had one parent move away may fear that the other parent could also leave them. The child should be told the truth about the reasons of the abuser’s absence. When the truth is kept from a child, his imagination will take over and make up fantastical reasons for the cause of an event.
Embarrassment is not an uncommon feeling, especially for teenagers. They may be reluctant to invite friends to their house for fear that a fight between their parents could occur. Some teenagers may refuse to come to the battered woman’s shelter with their mother and siblings. The stigma of living in a shelter may affect the child and result in feelings of shame.
Because children of violent homes live with such uncertainty, they may feel that life will continue to be unpredictable and therefore they worry about theft future. They may give up hope and decide it is not worthwhile to set goals or learn self-control.
If intervention does not occur, these children’s feelings of anxiety, accountability, guilt, grief and embarrassment will begin to take command of their lives. If these children do not learn good practical values, they may model after their parents and become either abusers or victims of abuse. I believe that itonly takes oneperson to make adifference. Ifachild sees that not everyone lives in a violent situation, he or she can realize that they have choices and need not always be victims of domestic violence.
Doing the children’s support groups these past 8 months has really brought home to me the importance of providing a forum for our young people. They need a “place” of theft own for open, safe discussion of their thoughts, opinions, fears and fantasies. The children feel safe in sharing their experiences because they know their group is confidential. (Nothing is even revealed to theft mothers without their pennission). The children are taught how to listen to each other and respond in a caring manner. In addition, an important rule of the groups is to “cry if you feel like it”. The children feel free to cry without feeling embarrassment. They know that no one will laugh at them or become angry for doing so. Many feelings are expressed in these groups through a variety of activities such as paper/pencil exercises, videos, books, imagery exercises, role playing, guided discussions, arts & crafts and games. There is also an educational basis to the support groups.
While expressing theirfeelings through the guided activities, the children learn how to interact appropriately. They learn problem solving skills, how to identify their emotions and techniques to handle their emotions. They also learn facts and myths about domestic violence, coping skills, self-evaluation techniques and decision making skills. In these groups, the children’s questions are answered and they are provided with options and alternatives that allow them to take some control over their lives as they seek new directions.